The Crunchies

Kevin Marks:

I love that @techcrunch realised that both Strauss and monkeys were out of copyright

Ron Conway:

'raise your hand if your company is located in San Francisco" "raise your hand if you're Other" -I'm Othered!

Our job was to create jobs - we cut unemployment form 10% to 5% in SF [by making it unaffordable?]

The protesters outside represent anxiety about a widening income gap. We're in it together.

You don't have to be @benioff or @jack to get back to the community - you can volunteer service hours


The Crunchies are my favourite night of the year - on behalf on 12,000 Yahoos I'm here to welcome disrupters

John Oliver:

it's an honour to be in a room full of high-functioning nerds. Spiderman was misquoted and you didn't storm the stage

it's like the Nobel prizes being given out in an atmosphere of high school bitchiness [been to the Nobels?]

Why do you need an awards ceremony in the tech industry? You already have most of the money in the world

You're pissing off an entire city, not just by what you do for work, but by how you get to work

If Martin Scorcese did a modern version of Wolf of Wall Street it would be here - all the money, 10% of the sex

Thank you for providing all the technology for the NSA

John Oliver:

There are Winners and those who failed to win. You're not Losers, you're Failures. An important distinction

The award for creepiest marketing idea goes to Uber for their kitten delivery scheme

Uber was surge pricing kittens - fuck you uber, you have no morality

Keith Rabois:

Best Technology award is for those who turn fiction and dreams into reality.

This is actually a genius plot to unmask the actual founder of Bitcoin

Bitcoin win's best technology innovation. [very unclear who is accepting it]

Christina Farr:

The crunchie goes to Wanelo


there a few technologies that have transformed the world as much as mobile apps

Snapchat created an entirely new category with destructive photography

The Crunchie goes to snapchat [I'm sure they were here 10 seconds ago]

John Oliver:

I am glad that Bitcoin won that award - celebrated by heroin dealers and assassins all over the world

They take actual steaming hot burritos and drop them with parachutes from the roof of the arena

Dave McClure:

There are plenty of awards going to startups who have some fancy pants VC on board

the crunchie for best bootstrapped company goes to Color! Er, I mean Imgur!

Ruchi Sanghvi:

We always end up improvising or building these tools for ourselves in enterprise

Stacey Higginbotham:

thanks to consumerisation and cloud computing - you might even call enterprise software… sexy @rsanghvi: I would

in the world of consumer -oriented enterprise a happy ending is… really?

Ruchi Sanghvi:

the Sexiest Enterprise startup Crunchie goes to Zendesk

Mike Butcher:

conceived by israeli developers, built by the chinese - Waze

John Oliver:

I was watching CNN because I hate myself. Or I was trapped in an airport.

Aaron Levie:

congratulations to the zendesk team- clearly my crunchies voting bot failed

Candy Crush Saga is like Flappy Birds older wiser Indie Sister

vibease have been nominated for "can't stop won't stop" - that sounds like a malfunction for a vibrator

John Oliver:

If Edward Snowden cared about the Crunchies, he'd have picked that up himself

Kevin Rose:

Chris @sacca could have made millions as a male model, but he chose to be an angel instead

Chris Sacca:

it's a perfect n-1 function how many time's I've lost this award

My first checks were in violation of securities laws - they were credit card checks

all CEOs are thinking the same thing - how to innovate, how to beat flappy bird...

Leena K. Rao:

@elonmusk is like Steve Jobs, Tesla and Vasco da Gama all rolled up into one

Chris Sacca:

the crunchie for best CEO goes to @dickc of twitter

dick costolo:

I'm going to be brief because @sacca's pocket square is freaking me out. This is really a team award

Jolie O'Dell:

we're here to present the penultimate award - it's a big word, I am a writer

here, I'll read the script "coinbase has made a huge splash"

Tinder has been nominated for 4 so far - maybe they'll get lucky? They saw what they did there.

I've been married since tinder came out, so I have no idea what this is about.

the runner up is coinbase - the crunchie goes to tinder

Om Malik:

I remember 5 years ago this couldn't have been less organised

Alexia Tsotsis:

this is about more than about a companies growth curves, or the size of it's user base [vamp voice]

Kickstarter, or as I like to call it, madlibs for products, where you can buy a 3d-printed watch that prints 3d watches

Om Malik:

the winner of Best Overall Startup is Kickstarter

John Oliver:

Great news to see Uber fail to win that award - they're the architects of kitten murder